Skip to main content

tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  October 4, 2012 11:30pm-12:00am PDT

11:30 pm
captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh that's our show. at 11:00, and remember, the rumble, it's going to be at 8:00 p.m. saturday, eastern, he's going downtime. boom. >> my last point, will learn something every night on this show. and all these shows.
11:31 pm
this stuff we're watching captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )
11:32 pm
>> oh, yes! oh, i am feeling good! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen -- >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: oh, that's nice! (cheers and applause) anybody else do see that debate last night? folks, it a whole new horse race! mitt smoked obama! metaphorically, of course, mormons can't smoke! and folks, after last night's debate in denver our image of these two men has completely changed. and i am not the only one who knows it. >> it looked like romney wanted to be there and president obama didn't want
11:33 pm
to be there. >> stephen: yes! it was like obama wasn't even there. he hasn't done this poorly since he debated clint eastwood. (laughter) meanwhile-- (cheers and applause) meanwhile, romney was the alpha mitt, slapping obama around. and, anyone else who got in mitt away. >> i'm sorry, jim, i'm going to stop the subsidy to pbs. i will stop other things. i like pbs. i like big bird, i actually like you too. but i'm not going to keep on spending money for things to borrow from china to pay for it. >> stephen: he just told the moderator who works at pbs, i'm going to throw your ass out on the street, old man! you-- (cheers and applause) you, not only you-- but all those freeloading muppets. that takes not just one ball,
11:34 pm
but two, two enormous balls! (applause) but, folks, as much as i enjoyed the triumph of the willard, what i loved most was the heartwarming pant crapping over at msnbc. >> i was disappointed in the president. i thought he was off his game. i was absolutely stunned tonight. >> there wasn't, i don't think, a single direct attack against mr. romney from president obama. no discussion of the 47%. >> at all. >> no discussion of immigration. no discussion of union rights. no discussion of women's rights, no discussion of bain. >> where was obama tonight? >> stephen: oh, break out the sour cream and bacon bits, nation, because mr. potato head is steamed! you know what, you know what? do you know why, i just got to get another taste of chris matthews here. but before we do that let me
11:35 pm
just-- i want to jack in right here okay, jack into him right there, so i can feast on his impotent rage. >> tonight wasn't an msnbc debate was it? it just wasn't. i don't know what was doing out there. i don't know how he let romney get away it with it. they are part of your 47%. you want to-- you don't have any chance, what are you talking about. where was obama tonight! he should watch -- -- with was romney doing, winning. obama should watch msnbc. >> stephen: i'll vote for anything that moves! (laughter)
11:36 pm
folks, i am not surprised that romney crushed it. because this debate was right in his wheelhouse. soul-crushing. in fact, it was so tedious i think man in the front row fell asleep. (laughter) the first half hour, the first half hour, folks. (applause) the first half hour was an or geoof tax policy minutish-- orgy was tax policy minutia, and they moved on to the intricacies of medicare solvency it was off the hook, in that it would have been more interesting to listen to a dial tone. (laughter) but however wonky it got last night there was no miss tacking that there was a fire breathing leftie on that stage spewing heated
11:37 pm
socialist rhetoric. >> i will not reduce the taxes paid by high income americans. regulation is essential. you can't have a free market work if you don't have regulation. preexisting conditions are covered under my plan. and with regards to health care wa, we did in massachusetts is a model for the nation, state-by-state. >> stephen: yes, mitt romney's health-care plan is just like his positions, the details change state-by-state. (laughter) now-- folks, you know me-- you watch this show, you know me. as a stanch conservative i condemn any help can who-- republican who distances himself from everything he has said on the campaign trail. but it worked so [bleep] it. (laughter) besides, i mean the arguments-- (cheers and applause) the arguments, the arguments hardly mattered. what counts is body language, right megan kelly. >> it was an interesting dimic to see mitt romney
11:38 pm
looking mostly over at president obama when he was making his point. and president obama choosing to look mostly at jim lehrer or looking down. and what message do the viewers at home pick up on that. >> governor romney's body language was pretty good and that expression on his face which was an expression, those of white house follow him was familiar w as kind of a half smile, not a smirk-- . >> stephen: yes, brit, mitt had a confident half smile, like this. (laughter) not a smirk like this-- (laughter) and definitely not a big bright rick human smile like this-- hume smile like this (laughter)
11:39 pm
so ultimately, folks, choosing the leader of the free world is clearly all about how it looks. so for those of you who did not have an hour and a half to waste last night, here's how it looks. >> we welcome president obama and governor romney. (applause) (laughter) (applause) thank you and good night. >> stephen: pretty much captures it. now of course a lot of belly
11:40 pm
acres on the left, incidentally bellyaching not covered under romney's plan, insisted on paying attention to the words they said, and pointed out that mitt changing almost all of his positions could backfire. like this from npr. romney goes on offense. pays for it in first wave of fact checks. oh no! mitt could lose the fact checking race. quick, some fact checker should research how many electoral college votes the swing state of fact checkelsvannia has. because-- because i think-- i think-- i think it's even fewer than north i don't give a [bleep]. folks, the fact check mafia is just a bet because romney won by pivoting. exactly like his senior advisor eric fernstrom said he was going to do after the
11:41 pm
primary. >> everything changes. if is almost like an etch-a-sketch, you can kind of shape it up-- shake it up and we start all over again. >> stephen: and everyone agrees last night mitt was pretty sketchy. >> he said things that were just not accurate. >> mitt romney presented with us the ultimate etch-a-sketch behavior last night. >> romney has been accused of etch-a-sketch. last night was his greatest achievement. >> stephen: let me show you just how great an achievement it was. before the debate, mitt's campaign said romney will come across as empathetic. but here's what mitt has been promising for the last two years. >> tax cuts for the wealthiest americans. how do you make that seem warm and fuzzy? well, you just need to shake it up as hard as mitt did last night. >> so-- give it a shot. okay. (laughter) (cheers and applause)
11:42 pm
(cheers and applause) now let's see what mitt's tax plan looks like now. okay? just need to get my tool here. okay. here we go. (cheers and applause)
11:43 pm
presto changeo. (laughter) now you see romney's policies, now you don't. we'll be right back.
11:44 pm
11:45 pm
>> welcome back, everybody. thank you so much.
11:46 pm
folks, if you watch the show you know that i have been fighting all year to stamp out voter fraud. because if even one fraud center shows up at the polls in november that would tarnish the integrity of an election that the koch brothers paid good money for. that's why tonight i have two colbert voter fraud alerts. first up first up my source tell me that just six days before the election millions of americans are planning to disguise themselves as some sort of trick. that's why we need photo i.d.. how i do know she's really a sexy crayon? plus we are now more vulnerable to fraud than ever. which brings me to my second alert. nation, courts is have already struck down voter i.d. laws in wisconsin, south carolina and texas and
11:47 pm
they have done it again. >> if you are pennsylvania voter you will not have to show a photo i.d. this election. a judge ruled against the measure for now saying he didn't believe there was adequate time for voters to easily get a photo i.d. before november 6th. >> stephen: that is ridiculous. they will have their i.d.s by november 6th if they go to the dmv now. but folks, as bad as this is-- (cheers and applause) as bad as this is, there is a silver lining to this story. because according to the ruling, election officials can still ask for photo i.d.s, they just can't prevent people from voting if they don't have it. this could still work. asking for the i.d. is now meaningless but we're still allowed the consolation prize of harassing voters for no reason. and if we just add some other intimidation tactics i
11:48 pm
think we can make the wrong kind of voters so uncomfortable, they'll just turn around and go home. i say we start with a cavity search. you're free to vote but first you have to let us pull back your curtain and take a few yanks on that lever. after that, after that, we simply judge their outfit. you're going wear that to vote? (laughter) what is that, a sweater? no, god, i can't stop from you voting but i should stop you from dressing. (laughter) by the way, your ass is huge. does it have its own congressman. no, seriously, go vote, i'm sure it will make all this better. and then to escort to you the voting booth, we have your ex-girlfriend. she'll be so happy to see that you are finally out of the house and doing things because she and brad were really worried about you. by the way, this is brad.
11:49 pm
you probably have seen him in all those cologne ads. of course he only does those to pay for hess penis reduction therapy. it hasn't worked yet but she's patient with his progress. then you're free to go in there and make your voice heard. and on the way out, you'll get a sticker that says i farthered. we'll be-- farted. we'll be right back. lots of prepaid cards
11:50 pm
11:51 pm
11:52 pm
come pre-filled with problems. enough is enough. introducing the chase liquid reloadable card. with chase liquid, there's no waiting and no fee to activate you can load cash and checks at any chase depositfriendly atm and there are no withdrawal fees at over 17,500 chase atms all for one flat fee of $4.95 per month. get rid of prepaid problems. get chase liquid.
11:53 pm
>> welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is the harvard medical professor who is mapping the human genome. i just hope he's not using the iphone 5. please welcome dr. george church. (cheers and applause) hey, dr. church, thanks so much for coming. you are professor of genetics at harvard medical school. >> yes. >> and you a visionary behind the personal genome project. what is the personal genome project. why do we need a personal one. >> that is the only project in the world that allowed us to share our genes, our traits and our environmental data with everybody in the world. >> stephen: there is another way to do that and it involves getting on. (laughter) okay.
11:54 pm
it's easier and-- i'm not saying it more fun but it is fun, you should try. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. (laughter) >> we need to be able to analyze it with commuters and a few other things. >> stephen: i understand. are you splicing the genes of different organisms together here to make new materials, right, what is-- what-- how does that help us? >> well, so we can now make replace petroleum with in the process fuels, chemicals, plastics, anti-buy oikts and so forth. we can start making those now with biologically engineered machines. >> stephen: are these like bacteria, are these on a cellular level or you can do these with like larger organisms. >> big vats, if it's collecting carbon dioxide and light it would be flat sheets, like crops, almost, except in containers. >> stephen: and these are all genomically engineered. >> they are. >> stephen: how do you think your work will eventually
11:55 pm
destroy all mankind? (laughter) do you think, let me-- couple option. do you think is going to be like a killer virus or more like a giant mutant killer squidman who arises from the pas civic between easter island and chile and feasts on our flesh? (laughter) >> well, hopefully-- our business is to do safety. we're kind of the engineers that make the seat belts and the air bags. so we are engineers-- . >> stephen: and there are no car accidents. >> there 1.2 million people that die in cars, that's right. so but the point is-- (laughter) >> stephen: keep it light, it's late night. you've got a new book about the things that you, i'm to the going to say mad scientist, i'm going to si highly inventive science. >> there we go. >> stephen: are working on. called region sis how synthetic buy only will reinvent nature and ourselves. do we need reinventing? we were invented once by god,
11:56 pm
the almighty father, maker of heaven and earth. are you playing, god, sir, because you certainly have the beard for it. (applause) just doing my job, right, we're engineers. we're fixing all these things that are broken. >> stephen: about are we broken. we're reinventing ourselves. >> some of us have disease. and some of those actually can be changed by changing our, not only our environment which is one thing we can change, but also our genetics. >> stephen: you can bring things back from the dead? and were you behind mitt romney's performance last night? (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> we can make copies of things that have elements of animals or bacterias, so forth that were extinct. >> stephen: okay so, you are work on the woolly mammoth, right.
11:57 pm
>> it's a possibility. first thing that is amazing progress in the field is being able to sequence the genome of the little broken up bits of dna that are present in mammoth remains and many other animals in museums. >> stephen: have you ever stored anything on dna other than animal information. >> we stored the-- . >> stephen: how is this book on dna? >> there you go, 20 million copies, don't eat it, stephen. >> stephen: where is it, where is the-- what dow mean. >> right there in that dot. >> stephen: hold on. that do the right there, what's in there. >> so we took the book including the photographs. >> stephen: yes. >> 0s and 1st, converted to accs and ts. >> stephen: which is the code of dna. >> yup. and now it is there, we made many, many copies of it. >> stephen: you put a little drop.
11:58 pm
>> a little drop right there. >> stephen: of dna right there. this piece of paper right there contains 20 million copies of this book. >> that's right. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well, dr. george church-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: the book is region sis, go get it like this. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
11:59 pm


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on